The FAQ on How to Operate a Portable Laptop
by Mr. Ree and Mr. Meenor
Summary: Lavi, being the idiot that he is, decided to try and tackle his latest challenge- the Portable Laptop. Will he succeed in his quest to figure out how it works? Or will he fail and be mocked for generations? AU.


First the DS, now the laptop. Oh joy is not mine. XD; So yes, hi, I am Kurokumo, and I've been in the mood to type one-shots that are crazy. So yes. Let us commence forthwith on 'The FAQ on How to Operate a Portable Laptop'! *Warning: Lavi is severely dumb in this thing. Do not be offended, please. XD;*

Disclaimer: D. Gray-Man is property of Katsura Hoshino and Funimation. This series is a parody and nothing more, so please support the official release. Got it? Damn well better.

~X~

The FAQ on How to Operate a Portable Laptop

"I don't understand!"

It was a bright, sunny afternoon, with no signs of clouds, and still, somehow, a piece of technology was ruining his day. He couldn't grasp the concept of how a laptop worked, and even further so how to turn it on. It was assigned to them recently that they had to 'type up a paper' and that 'written work was not accepted', which made him fairly upset, to say the very least. He had toiled for hours on how to turn it on, let alone figure out the other components.

"Okay… Okay, I think… Is this even a laptop?" He looked on the sides and frowned, half-tempted to tear out his own hair out of frustration. "It looks like one. What does a laptop even do? I don't understand…"

Tired, he reached for the phone (one of the few pieces of technology the apprentice Bookman did know how to work) and dialed a number. It rang a few times before it clicked, and a familiar voice soothed his ears. _"Hello?"_

"Hi, Allen," he said, rubbing at his forehead. "Could you come over to my place? I need some help with my assignment in English."

"_This is a first." _The sound of a smirk was evident to that of a deaf person. _"You're asking me for homework help? What's next, Ba-Kanda shaving his head?"_

"Shut up."

"_Alright, alright," _Allen laughed. _"I'll come over. See you in thirty minutes."_

"Okay."

The phone clicked again, making Lavi sigh. Until Allen came over, he would just have to figure it out on his own. He placed the phone down before heading over to the rectangular-shaped box and sat down before it, eyeing it intently. He wasn't going to let the thing get the best of him. Bookman had trained him well. Failure was not an option.

He cracked his knuckles. The top of it read in silver letters "DELL" in contrast to the black, the 'E' slightly tilted. He frowned. What did 'DELL' mean exactly? His mind wracked over several solutions, but many of them didn't make sense.

"'Destination-Evil-Lake-of-Love'?" He frowned more. "'Driving-Enormous-Llamas'? Hm. How 'bout, 'Delusional-Esoteric-Lame-Lavi'? Nah, I'm pretty sure they don't know me… But what if they do?" His eyes widened. "Wait a minute, did they base this system off of _me? _My God!"

He stared in amazement as his fingers twitched with the realization that the people at DELL had built a computer with his name on it, quite literally. He opened the top and stared at the black screen, wondering if it was supposed to be like that.

"How come the letters are all out of order?" He stared at it, confused, until he snapped his fingers. "I know! It's a puzzle before you can turn it on! Hah, those people at DELL must know me really well. I love puzzles."

He did what seemed to be the most obvious thing in the world and began to take the keys out of their places and put them on the table. He hummed to himself as he took each of them out, one by one, until all that was left was twenty-six empty spaces of where the letter keys should have been. He began placing them in alphabetical order, 'A' in the place of where the letter 'Q' was, and 'Z' in the area where the letter 'M' was. He nodded to himself in triumph.

"Okay, first test, done!" he exclaimed, fist-pumping. "Alright, so. What're all of these random button-thingies? 'Caps-Lock'? 'Shift'? Wait a minute, does this thing operate cars also? That's so cool! That would explain the four directional buttons. But what's this? The 'Enter'? It has an arrow pointing away from it…" He frowned. "Maybe you have to put the keys there?"

He glanced at the left side of the laptop and saw three little holes: One for the re-charger, one for plugging ports in, and the last one that did nothing what-so-ever and was just a slot. Lavi, however, stared at that last slot and grinned. "This is where the car key goes! I thought this thing was used to type papers up! Then what do these other things do?" He glanced at the ride side of the laptop and saw even more ports, a place to plug in headphones, and another plug for microphones.

"Am I supposed to put something in this?" He glanced around until he found some plugs lying in the corner. He had know clue what they did, so he just piled them there. "I wonder if these would work."

He walked over and picked them up, staring at the ends. _These are what Yuu calls 'cables'. Cars, cables… Don't they work together or something? Hm. _

He plugged the cables into the sockets, trying each one until they fit in each plug before sighing. Operating this laptop was harder than memorizing three hundred different words of Latin. The DELL people had a sense of sadistic humor, it seemed. "Okay, car cables, check. I wonder what the gears are? All I see is 'Shift'." He poked around until he saw twelve keys ranging from 'F1' to 'F12'. His eyes widened. "Twelve gears? Wow! I didn't know they made such a thing."

The phone rang, which pulled him out of his little fantasy with his super-special-awesome dream machine. "Hello?"

"_Hey, Lavi," _Allen said, his voice sounding a little worried. _"I'm going to be a little late. Krory got lost again, so I'm going to go find him."_

"Again? Damn, Krorykins needs a sense of direction."

"_Yes, well… Point being, do you mind that I'm going to be later than expected? I promise I will show up, just as soon as I find him."_

"Sure, sure," Lavi reassured. "No problems here. Take however long you need."

"_Thanks, Lavi. See you soon."_

The phone clicked once more as he eagerly tossed it aside to go play with his new toy for the day. It was like getting a present on a random day, sort of. Only this wasn't random, nor was it wrapped in wrapping paper. It was just there, given to him from his teacher when he said he had no computer, ready to be played with. So it was more like a cat with a ball of yarn.

"Okay, so these are the cables… That's the shift… Directional keys… Gear numbers… Letters for inputting commands… Back-space for parallel parking, and… Wait, what? 'Ctrl'? What the heck is that? Bah, it's probably unnecessary. Must be a spare part."

He tore the 'Ctrl' key out from the keyboard and tossed it aside. His fingers danced over the mouse, wondering what it was. By the looks of it, he couldn't tear it out, so it had to have been necessary in some way. How it was, though, was another mystery to be solved. Whenever he pushed it down, it made funny click-noises. He grinned. "A car horn when it's turned on. I should seriously figure out how to do that."

He looked the computer up and down and pressed any button he saw. There was a small, silver one located in the upper left corner that he had yet to press. His eyes sparkled with growing excitement. I'm going to be able to use this thing! And best yet, I did this by myself! Panda will be proud.

He pressed down the button and waited for the screen to light up. There was a small 'zorch' sound, but he dismissed it immediately as the screen lit up. His grin widened as the opening screen came up. Afterwards, it had a blue screen that had the user name 'Administrator' on it. He blinked.

_Okay… now what? _He stared at it until his eyes hurt and frowned. _Well, at least I figured out how to turn it on. Let's see if I need to use these letter-buttons for anything._

Stupidly, the apprentice Bookman reached out and touched one of the keys, immediately feeling shocked beyond belief. He reeled back and fell to the floor, completely shocked. His body was still twitching by the time Allen and Krory entered the building.

"Lavi? What're you doing on the floor?" Allen asked, worried.

"E-Ekyu… I see stars…" Lavi muttered.

Allen glanced over to the coffee table and saw the problem-computer. He approached it with caution and frowned. "Lavi, the keys are all mixed up, for starters. There are unnecessary cords coming out of it, and- Where the heck is the 'Ctrl' button? Lavi, what in the world did you do to this computer?"

"I-I thought it also worked cars."

The white-haired teen stared at him in disbelief. "You're kidding me, right?"

"Well, what else does the thing do? The ports are for the car cables and the little square on the side is where the keys go, the 'F1' button and what not are the gears, the 'Shift' is to be able to actually shift it-"

"Lavi," Allen interfered before the redhead's stupidity grew too much, "this computer cannot operate a car. The buttons weren't supposed to be moved, either. The cables are completely unneeded and you're stupid for thinking like this."

His face fell. "Really?"

"And you call yourself smart."

"H-Hey!"

Krory stifled his laughter as Allen continued to point out the mistakes he had made. For once, Krory felt like he was smarter than him. For _once._

~X~

Okay, cool! I managed to type that pretty well. So! Did you like it? Hate it? Love it? Destroy it? Hit me with a review, por favor! See you later~! -K.S.


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